[t∫ein(d)з]
The worst feeling
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When you feel that life is going nowhere. When you’re just passing time without knowing where you’ll end up. When you stop being in control. When motivation drops to arctic values. When you’re obviously failing and YOU DON’T CARE.
I feel like I only need about 3-4 days of study to pass Law. This is not a subject I’m particularly interested in and so I keep postponing studying. This situation reminds me of the time when I was still studying Computer Science. I don’t want to feel that way ever again.
8 days left. I better start getting serious.
Lucid dreaming
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You may or may not have heard about it. Lucid dreaming is dreaming AND realizing that you are.
I used to be able to do it as a kid. It was wonderful! When you know that you’re actually in a dream state, you seize control of that dream. You can make anything happen. You can start flying, shape your surroundings, make food appear out of thin air, alter the plot of your dream, … everything limited by your imagination only. What makes it all even better is that you stop experiencing your dream in the usual ‘drunken state’. Instead, you become fully conscious of it all and everything becomes very clear and real. There’s no way to describe it really.. the dream becomes as real as reality and in a sense even more so!
Unfortunately, I lost this ability at some point. I don’t know when or at what age exactly, it was not like I went “Oh shoot, I lost it!” one morning. It was a gradual process. But if it’s any indication, my lucid dreams never went further than first base ;-)
For some time now however, I have been trying to get them back. There are exercises one can do to evoke lucid dreams. I’m not sure what triggered them when I was young, it just happened, but now it seems really hard to relearn it! The main problem for me is to stay asleep whenever I become somewhat lucid. My current record stands at approximately 10 ‘dream seconds’. Enough to whizz through the air under a starlit, sapphire blue sky…, but not enough to save the princess from the evil clutches of Pete The Pirate (make no mistake, that’s one scary dude).
So yeah. We’ll see how it goes. As always I’ll keep you posted :-)
God is unbelievable.
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It’s impossible for me to understand how one can believe in God.
God can’t be man’s answer to him questioning existence, because then he would need to question God himself, or accept an illogical answer to a logical question. In that case, why even bother questioning in the first place?
“Approach damnit!”
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I was studying in the library (or trying at least, an old man was snoring in the corner of the room), when a girl came to sit next to me. She had brown hair, she was tall.. very pretty, classy and probably about 1 or 2 years older than me. There was a time not too long ago when I’d say she was out of my league, but I’m not going to now. Although she probably was. No! No such thinking. But, I’m just saying.. No!!! I’ll have none of that. Please continue.
Right. So, I thought I’d take the opportunity to execute my very first ‘cold approach’. It was harder than I thought it would be. Talking and writing about it is easy, but when you’re inexperienced and the time comes, the nervousness still kicks in. I didn’t know where to start, what to say. I always thought I’d just be spontaneous and start with a ‘Hi’ or something, but in this case that didn’t seem like a good idea, as she was busy consulting the computer. So I did nothing for a while and continued studying.
Suddenly her computer started making funny noises. Instead of saying something about it then, spontaneously like I intended to act, I remained silent. And by the time I had decided to make a remark about it, the noise had long stopped and it was far too late to say anything about it anymore. Typically me! Luckily, a few minutes later it happened again. This was my chance..
me: I’d be careful. You don’t want to wake up grandpa over there.
her: Haha, guessing from his snoring, it will take more than that to wake him up!
me: Haha, true.
Wow, somehow I got even more nervous. Abort! Abort! Back to studying. I felt uncomfortable. A few minutes later something happened outside, we could see it through the window. A young couple. The girl was talking, she seemed sad. When she stopped talking, there was a brief silence. The boy started shouting at her. He was furious and walked away.
her: You know.. I’m not sure.. but I THINK they broke up! :-)
The possibilities were endless. “Haha, yeah. Did that happen to you once?”, “Haha, yeah. I do hope they get together again. They seemed really good together.”, “Haha, yeah. That’s very perceptive of you.”, “Haha, no. They do this every week.”, … But which one to pick then? Time was running out again! I needed to say something fast! And so..
me: HMMMMM HMMMMM!
And that was the last thing I said to her, clearly I’ve got a long way to go :D
BouncyHair
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I know her from college, but she left now. I’ve liked her since the day I first saw her, but I never really tried approaching her during the year. I’m the type of guy who starts mumbling, stuttering and just generally talking nonsense when in the vicinity of a girl I like. It used to be really bad. Oh yes, I’ve got plenty of stories to back that up :-) I’d like to think that I improved a bit over the years, but I’m still nowhere near where I want to be.
The main reason I had for not doing anything with BouncyHair was that we were in the same class. You know, the old adage of not getting involved with colleagues.. Of course that was just a cop-out excuse. I just didn’t have the balls to do it!
Somewhere at the end of the year I heard she left. Another missed opportunity I thought… I became angry at myself. When would I ever learn? And how could I ever learn if I did not step up and take a risk for once? What did I have to lose anyway? It was clear that something needed to be done. 24 years old and not a single girlfriend in my whole life.. that’s bad. So I contacted her.
I learned a lot from www.SoSuave.com and particularly from its discussion forum. Basically, what it tries to do is teach us how to woo girls ;-) There’s a lot of bullshit written on it too (what do you expect), but with a bit of maturity and common sense I think it’s possible to weed out the bad from the good advice. Its strong point is that people care to share their experiences so everyone can learn from it. The nerd in me would say it’s like Naruto learning jutsus through its kage bunshins! Hrhr. As if anyone here would get that analogy :-)
But it went well. I talked to her on MSN, made her laugh. I managed to show her what kind of a person I was and through all this flirting I managed to convey to her I liked her and that I was interested. Unfortunately, I was really busy with college, so I couldn’t ask her out at the time. Instead, I asked her whether she wanted to get together sometime in the future and she said yes. In fact, she said “for sure!!!” and she gave me her phone number shortly after. At this point I was like.. hmm it’s really that easy, huh? I was close to ecstatic. She seemed definitely in to me. And why wouldn’t she be.. I’m a catch!
But alas, it all went downhill from here and I don’t know why. I called her the next week, no response. I called again the following day, same thing. I left her a message (which I shouldn’t have done), asking whether she was free that week. The next day she responded that she would be going out of town at the end of the week and that she needed to pack (it was Tuesday). I was dissapointed of course, but tried not to let it show and wished her a bon voyage.
4 weeks later we talked again on MSN. I knew I had to basically start from scratch again, warm her up.. but she wasn’t receptive at all. She seemed very distant and slow in her response. So I cut our conversation short and I told her I’d catch her some other time. She seemed almost apologetic in her goodbyes, but that didn’t matter. It felt like she wasn’t interested in me anymore.
About 3 weeks later I gave it one last shot. I called her. Somewhat to my surprise she actually picked up the phone this time. I think I did ok in what followed.. although I might have sounded a bit nervous in the time leading up to me asking her out. Anyway, she sounded upbeat and happy to hear me.. but she declined again. I don’t think there was any other way than to interpret that as a signal that she wasn’t interested in going out with me, despite the reasons (excuses?) she gave me for not being able to go. So that was that. I’ll probably see her on MSN again soon and it will be interesting to see how she’ll behave towards me then. I have not totally given up on her yet and I doubt I ever will. She’s a really sweet girl, gorgeous and intelligent.. I like her very much. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned from the past, it’s that giving in to your feelings when the other is not receptive is the worst idea.
BouncyHair is the first girl that I have actively pursued ever. We did not end up together, but this experience has given me the belief that I can be with the girl I want to be with someday. I just need to keep working on my game and confidence! This is actually the primary reason why I have started this blog. I will be keeping an approach journal, so that I can learn from it and track my progress.
As for BouncyHair, maybe the last word of our story has yet to be written?
Vamoos!
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Law exam coming up in 2 weeks. I need to start studying today :-( Normally, it shouldn’t be a problem.. as I’ve already learned most of it once and it’s not even imperative for me to pass it. Even an 8/20 will do, as I already scored pretty well on my other subjects.
On the other hand, Law having been the only subject for which I failed this year, I should be careful. I cannot afford another delay in my studies here. Most other people my age have already graduated and have started their adult lifes. As for me, I’m about 5 years behind. How the hell did that happen? Hmm, let’s see. I flunked my junior year of high school.. so that makes for a 1 year delay. After high school I signed up for college, but that went nowhere and I proceeded to waste another 4 years of my time. That makes 5.
I should say though that I learned a lot about myself during those years. I started to realize what I wanted to do with my life. I started to create my own dreams and aspirations. Sure, it shouldn’t have taken 5 whole years, but that can’t be helped now, can it!
Last year then, I gave myself one more chance to get my act together. I quit Computer Science and signed up for Applied Economics (AE) at the local university. That’s a 4-year course, of which the first year will end in about 14 days for me. If I fail Law, I will quit and my dreams may never come true. The pressure is on me now, let’s see how it works out!
It’s a start!
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My first post! This is going to be great. I started this blog on an impulse, so I hope I will be able to keep it up this time. You see, I tried (and failed) before.. but this time it’s different. In the following posts I might explain why, but for my first post I’m going to keep it short!
Is life good? Not sure yet, but I’m starting to believe it can be!
[t∫ein(d)з] 